This testimony takes place starting in May 2007 and extending to March 2011. In many ways, this is a macro version of the Test of Faith the Lord put us through in 2006. The reminder of that portion of our testimony was often the encouragement we needed to continue during this season. God is faithful.

There are far more details in this story than I’m able to share here, but I hope I’ve shared enough to give you the picture of the faithfulness of God and the fact that He does not mind stretching us far beyond what we think we’re capable of.

I shall not want (Psalm 23:1)

It all begins with a word from God’s Word. Late in May 2009 as I was spending my lunch hour at my desk in the Fortune 500 company where I’d worked for the better part of a decade. The Lord sent me to the 23rd Psalm and though I could recite it by heart with ease, I flipped to it as the Holy Spirit directed.

I read verse 1 and couldn’t move forward. “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.” I sensed the Lord telling me to read it again. And when I had, He said read it again. And so I did… and then nothing. No great new revelation. As I sat in my cubicle with my steady, generous salary checks rolling in it was easy to know I was provided for. I thanked Him for being my Shepherd and for providing for me and went on with my day.

Layoffs & New Job

Several months later the company I was working for announced they were doing a reduction in force. Immediately, when I heard the announcement the Holy Spirit brought to my recollection the word He’d given me in May… I shall not want. Standing on that word, I had no fear about upcoming job cuts knowing regardless of the outcome, I was covered.

In December, the Lord began opening a door for me to change jobs completely. Shorter commute, a promotion, more money – everything to recommend it. In prayer I felt released to choose either path, knowing His hand would provide either way, but this opportunity provided a way to exit before the layoffs and so I opted to take the new role and was excited about all the blessings that appeared to come with it.

After I’d accepted the new position, but a week before I left my old job I had a sobering moment. The Holy Spirit told me that what I was walking into would not be what I expected. I sensed a great trial ahead and yet sensed the Lord wanting me to choose it even though I was now walking in with my eyes wide open rather than in la-la-land with all sorts of high hopes and expectations.

Sabbath Rest & “You’re not going to miss it”

It didn’t take long at the new job to see it wasn’t a happy fit on either side. A little over 2 months into the new position, my husband and I visited IHOP-KC (International House of Prayer) with two of our closest friends. While we were there we had the opportunity to receive prophetic ministry and one of the ladies ministering to me had a word about the Lord bringing me into a season of Sabbath rest.

I was excited about the word. At the time I hadn’t had more than 10 days off in a row in over a decade and a half. I was tired and in desperate need of some serious downtime – the stress and strain of corporate America having taken a toll, especially when coupled with outside endeavors – everything from ministry to teaching to a thriving freelance business. I’d been asking the Lord for a break – a REAL break – for a couple of years at that point and was excited to know He had it on His radar too.

Two weeks after our trip to IHOP, I sat in my office at work asking God what needed to come off my plate so I could have this Sabbath rest. I had already stripped out virtually everything – my focus was my husband, my job, one young lady I was mentoring, and Dyed4you – which at that time was still very low volume. Truly from my perspective, nothing could be removed and as I vented my frustrations about this to God all He would say is “you’re not going to miss it.”

I’m ashamed to admit I continued to argue back with Him that obviously *I* was going to have to move something off my plate and He was going to need to tell me what it was so I could do it! He gently and firmly said again, “you’re not going to miss it.” I knew I was to wait and watch. So I did.

Getting Tossed off the Deep End

Two weeks later – on May 6th 2008 – I was let go from my job. I knew immediately when it happened that this is what God had meant. And that He was right (of course), I didn’t miss it. God did for me what I never would have had the chutzpah to do – quit my job and take a break.

My whole employed life I’d lived check to check. But God had arranged it in such a way we had enough money to support ourselves for several months. I quietly asked God if maybe I could have until November – six full months. I just knew I needed rest.

What made this moment even more interesting is that my husband had already taken a leave of absence from his job, and when I was let go we both sensed the Lord saying He called us to this place of rest together intentionally.

Prayer Room

My church had just started an IHOP-style harp and bowl prayer room a few months prior. And after a month of simply working on unwinding, the Lord replayed my own words to me – words I’d said many times during the last few months I’d been working, “Lord, if I didn’t have to be at work, I would be at the Prayer Room every day.” It was clear what He wanted. So my husband and I made our “jobs” being at the prayer room every day it was open. This was a rich season where the Lord was preparing us in ways we didn’t even understand.

Running Out of Money

When we hit November, we were out of money. Yet neither one of us felt like our season in the prayer room was complete, quite the contrary! And the Lord sent word after word from people who didn’t know us or know anything about us to confirm what He had us doing. Literally Dyed4you customers who didn’t know anything about me would contact me and tell me the Lord woke them with words for me and it would be identical to what the Lord had been speaking to us.

Disclaimer – Before I continue, I feel it necessary to say that I am NOT advocating randomly quitting your job and waiting for the Lord to provide. This season my husband and I were in the LORD walked us into – we did not choose it, He asked us to walk into it and we obeyed.

Many quoted 2 Thessalonians 3:10, “…If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat” to us, but understand that work does not equal employment. Work is whatever labor the Lord puts before you. During this season our ministry to the Lord in the prayer room was part of our “work.” Additionally, we both volunteered extensively at church as well as discipling other believers. We “worked,” but we were not “employed.”

I also need to add that during this season the Lord did not have us ASK anyone for support (with one exception you’ll hear about below). With that disclaimer of “don’t try this unless GOD tells you to,” I will continue!

Free-falling in a Trust Test

The next 11 months was filled with an equal share of trying circumstances and divine provision. There were days we had food because someone thought to give us some or the lunchroom at church had leftovers they were unable to serve again that they would offer to us. To make the situation even more interesting, we had a missionary friend who stayed with us when she would come home on furlough, and this time was staying with us for an extended furlough (9 months); so we were providing food, lodging and transportation for her as well.

There were days the fridge was empty and the car was on “E” and we’d head to the prayer room trusting Abba to give us our daily bread, and unprompted – with no knowledge of our circumstances – someone would come and give us enough to get gas and buy some food. That happened more times than I can count.

One month our bank account sat at zero for 3 full weeks. We had an insurance payment coming up and no idea how we would pay it (by law we had to carry car insurance and our mortgage company requires homeowners – so both were included in the payment). Two days before the payment was scheduled to come out of the account, a check arrived in the mail from someone I knew through Dyed4you, but had never met. It was for $444.44! When we deposited it, the bank held the check for 2 days (since we’d been at zero for so long) and the funds became available just in time to pay the insurance – God’s timing is always perfect!

During this 11 month period, 3 times we were threatened with foreclosure on our home. We’d long since put our house on the altar and left it in God’s hands knowing He could and would have us where HE wanted us, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. In each of these 3 times, the money came in with just enough time to spare for the bank to hold the funds until they cleared. Each time we had only 1-3 days to spare, but God was always faithful and always on time.

New Level of Trust

In October of 2009, God took us to a new level. We were being threatened with foreclosure again, with the timely provision during the last 3 threats, I gave it little mind as the date approached trusting that God had it covered. But when the date came and went and no provision had come, I had to stop and ask the Lord, “What’s going on?!”

He simply replied, “It’s a new level of trust.”

The foreclosure process went into full swing. Capturing thoughts of worry and stress began to require significantly more time than before. Additionally, those who felt we should be working were becoming increasingly verbal about telling us so, sometimes in ways that were not just hurtful, but slanderous and unjust. People had been reluctantly tolerant of six months, but a year and a half they felt was excessive.

I was (and still am) surprised at how many people were offended that we weren’t employed – though we never asked for anything. People seemed to feel we had an obligation to be employed simply because we are capable of being employed.

The Cost of Obeying God

One of the things we learned quickly was the cost of obeying God. On January 11th – as our foreclosure date drew near – the Lord took my husband to Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest, which perfectly articulated what we were experiencing:

If we obey God it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the sting comes in. If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything, it is a delight, but it costs those who do not love Him a good deal. If we obey God it will mean that other people’s plans are upset, and they will gibe us with it – “You call this Christianity?” We can prevent the suffering; but if we are going to obey God, we must not prevent it, we must let the cost be paid…

Stagnation in spiritual life comes when we say we will bear the whole thing ourselves. We cannot. We are so involved in the universal purposes of God that immediately we obey God, others are affected. Are we going to remain loyal in our obedience to God and go through the humiliation of refusing to be independent, or are we going to take the other line and say – I will not cost other people suffering? We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but we shall be a grief to our Lord. Whereas if we obey God, He will look after those who have been pressed into the consequences of our obedience. We have simply to obey and to leave all consequences with Him.

Running Towards a Brick Wall

With the auction date for our home set, we asked the Lord if we should pack – “No.” So we continued our prayers for direction and the Lord continued to give the same response, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD…” (Exodus 14:13). So we waited feeling like we were running full speed towards a brick wall.

In prayer I asked the Lord what we would need to get out of this – I knew the amount of past due payments, but there were legal fees and whatnot that were involved now. I felt the Lord give me a number – so wrote it down. When we got the final tally, it was the dollar amount I’d heard plus some change! I thought if I could hear that right surely we must be hearing right on the rest – so I waited, excited to see the Lord move on our behalf.

And move He did. The Lord provided with 2 days to spare before the cut-off for the auction. We were beyond grateful!

Continued Testing

The next few months were a continuation of testing and provision, but everything after the last one seemed much easier. We knew He had us covered – even when it didn’t look like we would have preferred and even when it wasn’t in a timetable that we’d have chosen – He was consistently faithful.

Increasing Dyed4you & a New Test

During 2010, the Lord continued to increase the flow of orders through the ministry. By July, the Lord told me I could no longer refer to myself as “unemployed” and I fully understood why – the volume of interaction related to the ministry had become a full-time effort, even though the finances were not there yet.

One difficult test came when my computer crashed and needed to be replaced. Since an increasing flow of income was coming through this internet-based ministry, not having a computer was debilitating.

As I prayed about what to do, the Lord put someone on my heart to call and ask for them to buy a new computer. I hated the idea. After all thus far we hadn’t asked for anything! The Lord showed me it was my pride that was rebelling. When people would find out about our situation, I liked being able to say I hadn’t “asked” for anything. That was my defense against the comments that would often follow.

Finally, I made the call and asked the individual to prayerfully consider purchasing me a replacement computer. Without hesitation she said yes and explained the Lord had already put it on her heart to get it, she just hadn’t known what to get and so hadn’t acted on it. With tears of gratitude and relief, I thanked the Lord yet again for His faithfulness.

Full-Time Ministry

By the Fall, I believed the Lord was calling me into full-time ministry, but there were pieces that needed to fall into place first. One piece happened in October of 2010, when He structured our finances in such a way that secured our house. We would now be able to pay the mortgage payment on time and we wouldn’t constantly either be in the threat of foreclosure or going into it.

By the last quarter of 2010, we were consistently bringing in about 70% of the bare minimum we need to live on. As the new year began, I waited eagerly to see if it would hold steady or do a post-holiday retail dip. The first half of the quarter held pretty close to steady dropping only about 5%. I sensed this season of heavy financial testing was drawing to a close and awaited the final shift.

A Suddenly

One evening in a conversation with the Lord I was pointing out to Him some of the financial obligations that were awaiting funds and the Lord said, “I can tell anyone I want about Dyed4you any time I want to.” In my head I pictured one individual telling one of their friends, I nodded in agreement with His statement, and reiterated my point which I didn’t feel He’d addressed. He responded by reiterating His previous response, and so I let the conversation drop.

Two days later, on February 15th, while I was pausing for a break after dyeing, I heard my iPod ping. I reached over and saw I had a new order from a name I’d never seen. I thanked the Lord and set it down. No sooner had I set it down than it pinged again, I looked and it was another order from someone I didn’t know.

Within minutes I discovered that a well-known prophet to the nations (who one of my intercessors had sent a Dyed4you scarf to) had read his scarf letter on the air. People who had seen his “mantle” on the show were heading to my site to get one. Suddenly God’s words from 2 days prior had a whole different meaning! I wept at the beauty of how He works.

In the week following, I did as much business I had done in my busiest month to date. Not just that, but the increase volume held and I closed the quarter out with just shy of double the Dyed4you sales the previous quarter (which had been the highest to date).

In Closing

Some who have asked for details during this season have later said to me they couldn’t do what we’ve done. I always encourage them by saying “you don’t have to!” This is something the Lord called us to. This was a season of testing He felt we needed to go through for whatever He knows lies ahead. I don’t know what that is exactly (though based on prophetic words I could speculate), but what I know is that He is trustworthy and working toward our good and the good of His people.

So are we rolling in the dough now? Not hardly. But we know this season of testing is done and the Lord has been and is faithful to provide. “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.”

Related posts

• A Test of Faith (1)
• Tithing and holding out on God (Gross vs. Net) (1)
• Giving is a Heart Issue (0)
• Meeting a Need When in Need (2)
• Christmas Miracle (3)

A week or so ago, God had instructed Allen to use our “God money” to pay some bills. I realized I had almost a superstitious fear about obeying and had to remind myself that obedience to His voice was most important to God and that He doesn’t move through fear.

Afterward I had some orders come in, but I didn’t transfer the normal portion to the God account. I think I was then struggling with a fear of lack – after all He let us use it once…

Last night God dealt with me on that as well and I asked Him how much I should transfer over and He said $40. I was in bed at the time and said if it was really Him to remind me the next day and I would comply.

Today He did remind me. I could feel my flesh complaining as I transferred 20% of my balance out of the account into the God account, but I was determined to trust and obey (neither my husband nor I have been employed in 2+ years, $40 is a lot to us right now).

Literally a minute later, I got a desperate email from a D4Y customer needing a scarf immediately. She placed the order right then. The scarf she bought was the $40 scarf.

God is not subtle… and I love Him for that.

As a note, I did transfer the tithe on that immediately into the God account and within an hour had another order for more than 3.5x the first order… so yes, obedience is a very good thing!

Related posts

• Tithing and holding out on God (Gross vs. Net) (1)
• I shall not want (3)
• A Test of Faith (1)
• A Newbie Tither (0)
• Meeting a Need When in Need (2)

First Fruits vs Tithe

Honestly, I never really understood the difference between first fruits and tithes. I had always thought they were the same thing. In January 2006, my pastor taught on first fruits though and really made the difference clear.

In short (for those who may not already know), it’s easiest to think of first fruits as in harvest. So, if you planted a crop of tomatoes and lets say that you have 10 tomatoes that get ripe first – that is your first fruit. So you offer all 10 to God – holding nothing back – in expectation that He will provide abundantly. The next group that gets ripe might also be 10 – this time though, you would give a tithe (1).

So how does that translate into modern life? Well, when you get a raise – the difference between your normal check and the new check with the raise would be an example of a first fruits offering.

I’ve heard of people who give their first paycheck each year as a first fruits offering. In our case, we had never given a first fruits offering, so we took it to God and asked Him what we were to give.

Our First First-Fruit Offering

As I asked the Lord what our first first-fruit offering should be I sensed God was asking us to do something significant (at least for us!). I was thinking it was to be my bonus check from work – a large amount of money for us. I kept my thought to myself and asked my husband what he was sensing – expecting confirmation if I was correct.

Over the next week or so, I continued to ask my husband what the Lord was saying to him on this topic. But he hadn’t gotten an answer yet.

In the meantime, we had found out we had a sizable tax refund coming… about three times the size of the bonus! We had been praying about where the tithe from that was going to go. We had not had to wait long for our answer on that – a precious young lady from our church (Maria) was planning a short-term mission trip to Honduras. She needed money to buy a ticket We both immediately sensed she was to have the money and we told her so.

In her excitement she began sharing about God’s call on her life. She was called to be a full-time missionary, but had a student loan that was holding her back. As we left that evening – I grabbed Allen’s hand and prayed a quick prayer – “Lord, I would love to help Maria with that student loan – if you can make a way for us to do that it would be awesome! I just pray that debt would be removed in Jesus’ name!”

A couple days later, Allen called me at work and said he’d finally heard from God on the first fruits. God had told him that I thought it was my bonus check, but it wasn’t (already I was floored!) – God had told Allen that we were to give the whole tax refund to Maria to pay off her student loan and give her about half what she needed for her Honduras airfare.

Confirmations

I did a big gulp – you see, I’d done the math and the tax refund was enough to take care of all the things we’d needed to do – we could have done without the bonus money, but to do without the tax refund was truly an act of faith!

Even as we prayed for wisdom and confirmation – more confirmation came – God supernaturally brought up a picture of her on my computer screen. I work in information technology – I am aware of what is possible and what God did was not possible!  And more confirmations came after that.

As I reasoned out in my head giving her the money – I knew cutting the check would leave us with about $17 and change in our account until payday. I thought to myself “I guess we’ll just live on credit cards until then.”

When we gave Maria the money she was overwhelmed – you see God had told her that her family in Christ would step in and would help with things like this… it had seemed impossible that anyone would, but with God NOTHING is impossible!

The Next Step – Freeze the Credit Cards

Still on the high of stepping out in faith – God followed it up with instructions to completely stop using credit cards. We literally put them in a block of ice in the freezer!

This was a big step because we were cash poor – but we were trusting God to show up.

That spring we’d taken the Crown Financial Ministries class. We’d always known that we were walking by faith being in our home (see Tithing and holding out on God) – the house was always held open in our hand ready for God to move us, but each month – He provided… we’d just never know exactly how much! During the class we discovered that we were running between $500-$1000 short each month! How incredible that each moth God provided the difference! (Note: let me just say I am not advocating going into heavy debt and then looking to God to fix it – however, in this case we found ourselves there, repented, were obedient with that which we had and God showed up!)

A Test of Faith

The First Fruit offering had taken a chunk out of our cash. As the end of May approached, we realized we did not have enough to pay June’s mortgage. We waited fully expecting God to show up just as He always did – especially after our big leap of faith!

Only the money didn’t come by June 1. It wasn’t there by the time the late fees were applied on June 16th. And by the end of June when we still hadn’t paid it and weren’t ready to pay July’s either… well, let’s just say my faith was being stretched!

Allen and I pressed in in prayer daily. We asked God for correction if we had acted wrongly. We sought Him with all our hearts. The only correction we recieved was a word from a prophetic friend who said “God says stop worrying! You’re dealing with doubt and unbelief.”

We knew it sounded crazy, but we felt like God had put us in this specific position as a test… we didn’t know what kind of test or why, but we felt it was His hand and we were simply to trust.

Right at that time, God came through with a smaller financial miracle – but it again confirmed that this test was from God.

Feeling Stupid

By the end of July, I was feeling really stupid. I knew in the natural what we were doing made no sense, but we both kept sensing that God was saying don’t try to fix it – just wait on me. All the words God would send our way lined up with this. Yet I felt stupid!

One day God sent a word of correction to me – He said, “Who are you to feel stupid about where I have put you?” Wow! It totally opened my eyes and freed me up to simply rest where He had me.

Fire Getting Hot!

The beginning of August arrived with letters of impending foreclosure. We still sensed that we were to wait on Him as crazy as that might seem to some. We were convinced either He would come through with the finances or a foreclosure officer needed to know about Jesus!

A friend who I had shared our situation with emailed me with some rather harsh words about what we were doing. Challenging that there was no way that God would do this. It devastated me! Through the heavy flow of tears I heard the Lord ask me who I was going to believe… Him or someone else?

I asked Him about my credit rating… and He told me where He was taking us it didn’t matter – that I just needed to have faith.

God is Faithful

In mid-August, two days before official foreclosure proceedings against us began we received an unexpected check that paid our full past due amount and all the way up through October! Praise God! He had shown up just like He said He would… and our level of faith had increased in the process… that’s for sure!

Conclusion

Sometimes we are called to take big steps of faith. No matter how big – God’s faithfulness is bigger.

In my mind – this story is only part of the testimony – there will be more coming as God continues in His faithfulness to bring forth the promises as He has given them

Related posts

• I shall not want (3)
• Tithing and holding out on God (Gross vs. Net) (1)
• Meeting a Need When in Need (2)
• Giving is a Heart Issue (0)
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In Over Our Heads

About a year later, we bought a new house. It was a God-miracle that we were able to get the house – it was clearly from His hand. The problem was though we’d been in the house less than a month when I realized there was no way we could afford the house. I headed to the park up the street one evening to talk to God about this matter.

The Tithe Principle – It’s About Trusting God

I began to plead my case to Him, quoting Malachi 3:10-11 back to Him and everything. I began to say to Him, “Ok God, I’m going to test You in this – just like You said to because I tithe…”but the moment I began to say tithe He convicted me and said, “You are holding out on me.”

Immediately I knew what He meant. See we had been able to “afford” to tithe on our net income – to tithe on our gross income (pre-tax) would mean a couple hundred more a month! I began to argue with Him and say, “What a minute, I’m here telling you that we can’t afford this house and You are telling me that You want us to give MORE money?”

He replied, “If you can’t trust me with a couple hundred extra a month we have bigger problems than this.”

After spending a few more moments making sure He was serious, I asked Him if I was seriously supposed to go back and tell my husband this (he was not in a Good place with the Lord during this time). He said I should. So in faith I returned home to talk with my husband.

I marched in and told him that God had said we were to start tithing gross not net. He replied, “That’s fine. We’re going to lose the house anyway – it will just make it happen faster.” I started to argue with Him, but the Lord stopped me and pointed out that despite the attitude, he had said yes.

Tithing – Gross vs. Net

Let me pause for a moment and say that I don’t believe God has a rule about tithing gross versus net. It is simply a heart issue. If you seek God’s face and He says $5 a week – give $5 a week. He desires our obedience, not our sacrifice. But if God says tithe gross – I would strongly suggest you begin tithing gross!

So we began did begin tithing on our gross income and a miraculous thing happened… God showed up.

Seeing the Lord hold true to His word

First my husband’s job made him part-time. Yet each month, miraculously we had all the money we needed to cover our expenses. About four months later, my husband’s company went out of business and he was without a job for a few months and each month we had what we needed – sometimes things were paid at the end of the month instead of the beginning, but things were always paid.

Ironically, during this time God was allowing these things to happen to my husband because he was not walking with the Lord. God was using this to get his attention. He also was making it impossible financially for him to be able to leave our marriage! Who would have thought that a woman’s husband losing their job would be a blessing? Yet with God in charge, it was!

He finally got a “temporary” job and we were getting on top of things.

Allowing the body of Christ to minister to us

During that time, two friends of mine from work who were fellow believers approached me and told me they sensed that God had told them to take up an offering for me. Both these individuals were in jobs that I knew made less money than I did and I was moved by the fact that they wanted to, but I was not the type of person to received charity – I was the one who typically gave charity!

I thanked them profusely and told them it was not necessary. I will never forget the look on my sister in Christ’s face as she looked at me and said, “What if I told you we were going to do it anyway because Jesus told us we were supposed to.”

I reflected for a moment, silently repented of my pride and responded, “Then I would assume God was trying to teach me something here and I would graciously say thank you and release you to do whatever the Lord tells you.”

Several weeks later they arrived at my desk with huge grins on their faces. They gave me $375 they had collected. I was blessed, but I thought, “God, why this money? Why now?” I didn’t have to wait long to find out!

The Miracle of Obedience

Two days later, my husband called me to tell me he was having car problems. Periodically when he’d hit them the car wouldn’t stop. He’d pump them and then it would finally stop. Clearly, that’s a pretty big problem! He took the car into the shop. The total… $355+ tax.

It was the same amount that we’d been blessed with. What was so amazing is that had they not taken the collection – we simply would not have had the money to fix it. Since it still was sort of working, my hubby probably would have driven it at least a little. Who knows what plans the enemy had for him!

But God is an AWESOME God! And so a month before we even knew we had a need, He was prompting their hearts to meet a need we didn’t even know we had.

So God – through the body of Christ – provided for us and protected my husband. Malachi 3:10-11 in action!

Conclusion

God can be trusted at His word. He may take us places that make us uncomfortable, but it’s always for our own good. Had I never been in a position of need, I would never had had an opportunity for God to meet my need.

So be ready – be listening – and most of all be obedient!

Related posts

• I shall not want (3)
• Giving is a Heart Issue (0)
• A Test of Faith (1)
• A Newbie Tither (0)
• Meeting a Need When in Need (2)

Tired of Being Alone

In my late twenties, I was tired of being alone. I wanted a boyfriend. I hadn’t been able to find someone who I liked who also liked me and who shared my beliefs. I had been a believer for about a year and a half and there was so much I didn’t know about walking with the Lord.

I actually remember the very moment I turned from God’s plan for me. I was standing outside work and was looking at a man I knew from there. He was very confident and had charisma. He was a strong man – something I always looked for because I am a strong woman and knew I needed someone who would not be run over by me!

The problem with this particular man was that he had a drug problem and he frankly, he was not walking with the Lord. That said, he was somewhat interested in me and I was definitely interested in him.

So as I stood there outside my work, I dismissed all the warnings the Holy Spirit was sending off inside me and decided I would choose my future. His voice became softer and softer over the next few months until I really didn’t hear Him anymore – I’d tuned Him out.

Losing My Religion

What I find interesting is that the world seems to know more about how Christians should live than Christians do. As this man watched my behavior – he even flat out told me I was “losing my religion” – and frankly, he wasn’t wrong.

I had started doing all the things I had previously been very self-righteous about; I started gambling, began doing drugs with him (and paying for them), and not only was sleeping with him, but I had him move in with me.

Although he had said early on he would visit church with me some time, he never did. Not only that, my church attendance tapered off because of the changes in my interests and activities. And because of the size of the church, if any noticed I was missing – they never called. I got one card in the mail, but given my outright rebellion it was too easy to set aside – it had been condemning and had hurt my feelings.

Losing Myself

I, the clay, had moved myself off the Potter’s wheel and was allowing myself to be molded by one who’s heart towards me was not God’s.

Days rolled into months as we stayed high – numb to everything trying to suppress a growing ache.

He would not marry me. He didn’t believe in marriage. I compromised myself again telling myself he was worth it. I nearly lost my home – almost went into foreclosure because of the amount of drugs and money lost on gambling and I was sued for other monies owed that had been spent supporting this drug habit.

As he continued to either not work or work part-time, he decided I could make more money at another job and so at his direction I quit the job I enjoyed that had been an answer to prayer and left for a corporate position that made more money, but left me working much longer hours and much more stressed.

The things I loved, the things I believed in were one-by-one sacrificed on the altar before this man that I had unintentionally made my god.

If this is not the man…

The thing was, I felt as though I genuinely loved him. And although I’m sure I did, in retrospect, I was also probably dealing with a good portion of ungodly soul ties. In my heart I treated this relationship as though he were my husband and I gave of myself and my resources as though that were the case.

One day a Christian friend I hadn’t spoken with in a while called me to tell me she was engaged. She was in her mid-thirties and was still a virgin. She’d met a wonderful Christian man and he’d popped the question!

When we hung up the phone, I simply began crying as the realization became so clear that I was never going to have the life I wanted with this man… at least not this way. All the seemingly small (and some not so small) concessions that I thought I’d been ok with now overwhelmed me.

I prayed for the first time in a while. I said, “Lord, if this is not the man You have for me, I just pray You’d take him from me because I want the one You choose, but I don’t have the strength to leave. I cannot imagine my life without this man, but I trust that You will bring me through this. I want Your will to be done.”

The Break-Up

Less than two months later, he broke up with me. I discovered later he didn’t intend for it to be over – little did he know he was simply doing God’s bidding.  Had I known he didn’t intend for it to be over I never would have moved on.  God is so merciful.

When he left I was heartbroken and cried for three weeks straight. Some days literally having to leave work because I couldn’t contain myself. During that time I began going back to church. I was still involved in a lot of sin, but I was at least beginning to move the right direction because I had put myself back on God’s path.

God’s Perfect Will

I believe that God has a perfect will for each of us. I picture it something like a navigation system where the start point is where we are and shortest route in-between the end-point or way-point is God’s perfect will. So often though we take a wrong turn or intentionally go a different way, but constantly God is giving updated directions for the shortest route – the optimum path.

I took a nearly two-year detour from God’s perfect will for me, but, in His mercy, the moment I turned He put me back on the path to His destination for me.

Conclusion

And the beauty of God is that He uses all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Through all this God knocked some pride and self-righteousness out of me. He’s taught me to extend more grace to others because one never knows or fully understands why or how someone ends up in a particular predicament.

Some lessons learned:

• Choose God’s path – even if you don’t understand why He’s taking you a particular direction (like keeping you single when you don’t want to be) – He has a plan and you can trust Him to have your best interests at heart
• Listening to God can save you a LOT of heartache
• God sees everything – the beginning and the end – He knows who is the right person for you. Trust Him in that.

I think one of my biggest regrets is that I totally lost my witness and this man (to my knowledge) is still not walking with the Lord.  God has a plan and a call for his life and I no more want to see him miss his than I want to miss my own!

To this day I pray for him every time he comes to mind… for God’s will to be done in his life and for him not to miss all that God has for him.  God loves him so.  And just like me, God has good plans for him – plans for hope and a future, plans to prosper him and not to harm him (Jeremiah 29:11).  Those are the same plans He has for you too…

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My sophomore year of high school was a wild year for me. During the fall of that year, I lost my virginity at the whopping age of 15 and then was expelled from my religious boarding school when I returned after Christmas break because they found out I’d had sex (something I’d signed an agreement that I would not do). To make matters worse, I had been sexually assaulted over that Christmas break (a fact I didn’t mention for the next five years). It wasn’t a good time for me. I was “lookin’ for love in all the wrong places” and looking for God in the wrong places too.

I grew up in Christian Science – and many of my family members still are Christian Scientists. Later I dabbled in the occult and new age – tarot, crystals, the works. I finally stopped looking and simply lived a gluttonous, lust-filled existence filled with all types of pornography and perversions.

Among many others, my Aunt and Uncle in Boca Raton witnessed the Lord’s goodness to me on many occasions; but ultimately, it was their lives not their words that drew me in. They had something I wanted. They had a peace, joy and love for others that was contagious and exhilarating. I loved to be around them and made visits to seem them as often as possible.

They continued to love me, and share with me God’s greatness. They had brought me to Calvary Chapel before, and each time I’d been struck by both the message and the congregation. But on 8 February 1997, Bob Coy (their pastor) gave a teaching from Romans chapter 1, “Man Without Excuse”, and the Lord finally got my attention.

That night alone in my grandparents’ swimming pool, I gave my life to Christ. I wasn’t even sure what it meant or how it might change me, but I wanted it. That more than anything surprised me because I thought I was happy – everyone thought I was happy – but I had a hole inside me that only God could fill and I needed Him even though at the time I didn’t know how badly. That was February 1997.

My life was changed dramatically for the better! I wish I could say that everything has been perfect since that day, but the reality is – I am still human and still a sinner. What I rejoice in though, is God’s ability to use all my stupid mistakes for His own good and the fact that He continues to protect and bless me.

As time has gone by the Holy Spirit continues to convict me one issue at a time – and (not surprisingly), His timing is perfect.

This is my prayer Lord…I thank You for being holy and sovereign. I thank You for loving us and wanting a relationship with us. I just pray for Your blessing upon anyone who happens upon this page – this site. I ask Lord that You might use this to speak to their hearts so that they might have the peace that only You can give them. To You be the honor and glory forever. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Find out about salvation.

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